My Daughter
Amanda Joy Alstatt
My Broken Heart

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How does one speak of a child they love so very much? How do I share and express the pain I hold so close in my heart? It will be with me, until the day I leave this earth. How am I? Is a father supposed to cope and move on with his life after the death of his sweet baby girl? Amanda was part of me, she was a part of my life. She was taken from me, that tragic night and when this happened, a part of me ceased to exist.

There is now a void in my life, so huge, that not even God Himself can fill the pain and emptiness left behind. You ask me what sort of comfort my Amanda was to me? How do I even attempt to answer such a question? Amanda was suddenly snatched from my life, ripped out of my arms, all my hopes for her, all my aspirations for her, all my dreams for her, the absolute joy she brought into my life, now shattered and gone forever. This is all due to the negligence, and lack of safety, at Hesperia High School, which still exists, to this day. The pain and the loss of my Amanda is a very difficult subject to write about. How do I erase the constant memories of that horrific night? How do I cope with the memory of the phone call from Mr. Porras, the assistant principal, informing me that my daughter was just struck by a vehicle, saying to me that she was still alive, but would not tell me anything more? He just expressed the urgency for me to come to the high school as soon as possible. Please tell me how to turn off the roar of the helicopter blades, the screaming sirens and the radios of the police and sheriff cars, at the scene of the accident. How do I stop my mind from seeing red, yellow and blue flashing lights, the red flares scattered all over the roadway? How do I stop the endless nightmares? Remembering Amanda's broken little body, her clothes cut off of her, bleeding from the right side of her head, her arms and her legs. Her eyes lifeless and empty as she lay strapped to a gurney in the back of an ambulance choking on her own vomit. All the while the paramedics standing outside the ambulance not listening to my frantic screams for them to get in there and help my baby.

Please answer me, how do I stop hearing the voice of the Dr. in the Emergency room, when I asked how she was doing. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, Amanda is still alive, and in a coma, Mr. Alstatt the only thing I can say to you is that I hope you have a God you can call on, there is nothing more we can do for Amanda, she is in His care now. There are no words to describe the knife piercing pain I felt when he said this to me. All Amanda wanted to do on Thursday, May 29, 1997, at 8:59 PM, was go to Disneyland and have fun. It was not only her first date with Randy, but also her last one. She was so happy and excited. I talked with her that very afternoon and told her how much I loved her, and wished her a wonderful evening. Those were the last words we ever spoke before this senseless tragedy took place.

 

Photo to left of Amanda and Dad five minutes after deliverey

 

Photo below of Dad, Amanda, Rachel and Carl.... (Brother and Sister)

I still remember the day Amanda was born. Her Mother had a 36-hour labor. Amanda was born March 15th, 1981 at 1:11 PM. at St. Mary's Hospital. Dr. Tony Easton was the physician on duty that day. When Amanda would wait no longer, DR. Easton said to me, Mr. Alstatt it is time for you to deliver your child. Needless to say I was overwhelmed with Joy. Well, there I was, helping to give birth to my baby girl. I actually delivered my daughter Amanda. I was the first person in this world to touch her, hold her and kiss her when she came into this world. So Ironic, I was also the last person to touch and hold and kiss Amanda before her casket was sealed for eternity.

I had the honor of cutting her cord, and then handing her to her mother. Her mother was scheduled to go into surgery as soon as Amanda came into this world. They whisked her mom away within minutes of Amanda's birth. What happened next, was the most exciting thing that a father could wish for. The head nurse handed Amanda to me. She said that I would be the best baby sitter for my daughter. We had our own room and I held my Amanda for the next four hours of her precious life. She was such a wonderful and beautiful child.

Amanda with her dance team after they received their trophies after a dance competition

Amanda brought JOY to all that knew her. It is no wonder we named her Amanda Joy. Amanda and I had an instant bond from the moment she breathed her first breath of life, in this world. Amanda was a vast human being, much bigger than her physical body. When Amanda died, so much more was lost then her form that I once took pictures of, or held in my arms when she was hurt, or gave butterfly kisses to.

The emptiness I feel at the loss of my daughter is much bigger than the space once occupied, by a beautiful young woman five feet five inches tall weighing 114 pounds. I am asked what is it, which makes my heartbreak so massive? It is everything she ever said, it is everything she ever thought, it is everything she ever felt, or accomplished. It is everything she would have said, would have felt or could have been, in her life. It is the absence of looking into her beautiful eyes and hearing her say to me Daddy, I love you so much. It is knowing that I will never see her dance again, or be a professional model, her hearts desire. It is knowing that I can no longer kneel at her bedside hold her hand and pray with her before she falls asleep at night. It is no longer hearing her sneak in a last phone call to one of her friends when she was supposed to be asleep. I can no longer look forward to having her page me and ask me a question when I was away from her. I will never again be able to have our heart to heart chats we so often had.

This picture is of Amanda and her friends at School. This was taken on the last day of school in 1997 on the day of the accident. This was the last time her friends were with her

Amanda would always tell me that her friends wished they were able to share with their fathers the way she and I shared, about her worries, her happiness, her dreams of life and the dreams I had for her. Now I can only dream about what she could have been, what she would have done with her life. We talked often about things she was concerned about, whether it be about puberty, growing into a young woman, what to about a boy she liked, how to cook a meal, or about a problem at school. Never again, will I experience the feelings I had for her when we were together and the ones that would stay with me when she left. Even the anxiety and annoyance she would cause me at certain times in her growing up! Is it possible to measure one's loss of their child. I will never have the privilege of walking her down the aisle on her wedding day and giving her away. I will never have the opportunity to see my grandchildren and the resemblance we might share. I won't be able to hold my grandchildren on my lap and tell them what their Mommy was like when she was a little girl.

The Christmas's all of the birthdays, all of the holidays are now gone forever. There will always be an emptiness, a void, a space, a place that can never be filled with the joy, the happiness, the beautiful presence Amanda brought into my life or anyone else's. There will always be an empty plate whenever there is a family gathering.

Amanda had just turned 16 years old. She was half way between a child and an adult. She was half way between a young girl and a woman. She had so many hopes and dreams for her life. She was so loved by everyone who knew her. She is so missed by me her Daddy, her brothers, Carl and Joshua, her sister, Rachel, Amy, her Mother, Annie, her Grandparents, relatives, and her close friends. No father should ever have to bury his child, no matter what age they may be. All of this, and so much more than her relativity small physical presence is gone forever. Vanished into a hole in this universe, leaving everyone and myself whom loved her with only memories of who she was.

Photo of Amanda's friends visiting her at the cementery.

If only I could turn back the hands of time, if only I had known there was so much more of her, and her leaving, would create this throbbing emptiness, in my heart and soul... I would have done things so differently. I would have fallen to my knees each and every morning thanking God for her life, and not assumed she would always be here. I would have listened more intently to every word that passed over her lips and every time she looked at me with her big beautiful blue eyes I would have captured her joy in my memory. I would have laughed more often, spent more time with her, taken her more places. Every smile she gave to me, I would have cherished so much more and planted deep into the reaches of my mind. Now all I have is her memory to help me go on. I feel like some giant monster, has put it's hand through my chest, reached all the way to the depths of my soul and ripped my heart from my body, leaving me to bleed to death. This is like being dead but not buried. I don't know if there is a way I can honestly describe my loss and comfort Amanda gave to me. One thing I do know is, that this hole in my existence will never heal. It will be there forever and ever. Life goes on and so will the eternal pain of my losing my precious daughter Amanda.

One thing I do know is, that this hole in my existence will never heal. It will be there forever and ever. Life goes on and so will the eternal pain of my losing my precious daughter Amanda.

Dee.... Amanda's Daddy forever
BUTTERFLY KISSES My Sweet Amanda