Welcome, I've Been Waiting for You......
From the moment I found out that you were coming into my life, I felt electric: A mix of excitement, adrenaline, and a dose of fear for good measure. I began to imagine the course your life would take, starting with milestones like your first smile, your first wave, the first time you would crawl and then stand on your own. I even began to imagine your first day of Kindergarten, puberty, and your wedding long before you were even born. I guess I got a little ahead of myself. I prepared the best I could for your impending arrival.
On the day I welcomed you into my life, you were placed softly into my loving arms and I thought to myself "Welcome baby. I've been waiting for you." You were part of me, an extension of my very being. My feeling of love for you was so intense that it took hold of every cell in my body. It was a true, unconditional love with no end and no boundaries.
Then you were gone.
You died, and my heart shattered in a million pieces, as did the world around me. Suddenly, I was in a dark, unfamiliar place where pain filled every cell of my being where love once lived. The air around me was hard to breathe. Gravity seemed so much stronger than before, and the simple act of sitting or standing used all of my strength and energy. I was hopelessly lost in darkness and I stayed in that dark world for a long time.
But slowly, amid the darkness, I began to grasp onto the familiar hands that began to grab mine and lift me up. Voices of family and friends gathered around me encouraging me as I fumbled into this strange new world. Slowly, the beautiful familiar world I once knew began to reappear around me. The bright, stunning hues returned to the flowers that wilted in my world and small beams of light started to break through the darkness and the air was once again easy to breathe.
The sadness never fully goes away. This is because the pain was created by, and coexists with, the deep internal love that I have for you. The secret is that I focus on the love you created within me that still lives inside of me. You remain with me, and part of me.
The fact is I would have died for you. I would have gladly given my life in a heartbeat if it meant you could live, but no one has learned how to go back in time and make that sacrifice, so I am left to live and breathe in this world without you.
I will continue to live in this beautiful world and happily walk in this path created by you and your love. I do this in your honor. I do this in honor of my family and friends who remain by my side. I will continue down this path, whatever it may bring, until I take my last breath. And when I leave this world and head again into the unknown, I hope to see you there with open, loving arms and hear you say "Welcome Mommy, I've been waiting for you."
It's so amazing how much a baby can teach our world about love. Whether that baby was sent here to live and breath for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, or a lifetime, a baby is God's irrefutable proof that our God is real. It's amazing that those innocent little beings sent to us can teach us more about love then we would ever have learned in our entire lifetime without them.