"Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms"
"Making the decision to
have a child-
it's momentous. It is
to decide forever
to have your
heart fo walking around outside
your body" - Elizabeth Stone
"On this morning, when this life is over, I know I'll see your face." - Sean
"Puffy" Combs, Faith Evans, 112
My sweet, sweet Elijah. I have tried for days to make myself write these
words, but always seemes to get choked up. I want to tell the world about my
beautiful baby and all that he taught me. It is very hard for me to talk about
the events surronding his birth and death so I will tell you more
I was only 23 weeks pregnant when my
appendix burst and was rushed into emergency
surgery. Ten short days later, I went into labor and
gave birth to my tiny 1 pound 12 ounce baby boy.
I will never forget how handsome ELijah was. He
had dark brown skin, jet black wavy hair and big almond-shaped brown eyes. He
was the almost an exact replica of his father.
The first few days, Elijah seemed to be doing well and I began to feel
hopeful. I sat next to his incubator everyday and sat with him for hours on
end. He would struggle to open those precious eyes anytime he heard my voice.
When he was 2 weeks old, I recieved the devastating news. The scan of his head
showed bleeds on the brain. The most severe, a Grade IV on the left and a
Grade II on the right. When he was 21 days old, the doctors gently suggested I
remove him from his vent. I listenend to all the statistics and the poor
diagnosis and heard how severe his brain damage would be.
On July 2, 1997, when Elijah was 24 days old, I let him go. I owe many
thanks to the NICU at Arkansas Children's Hospital who made that day so much
more comfortable for me. I gathered with my mom, my sister, my best friend and
we took turns holding Elijah while he was still on his vent. I was allowed to
bring his big brother, Isaiah, into the room briefly. Isaiah, who was only 19
months old at the time, will probably never remember this was his first and
last meeting with his brother. Luckily, I have pictures of the two together.
After their meeting, I held Elijah as his tube was removed and he died in my
arms. I cant even describe how peaceful and
beautiful this was.
SO then my ELijah was
gone and I was confronted with facing
life without him.
The first few
months, I believe I was in
denial. It felt like it had never even happend. It was near the holidays that
it hit me like a ton of bricks. Those were some very difficult months. Only as
I approach Elijah's first brithday do I feel like I am coping well. I still
have horrible days and little things will set me off. It helps at night to
talk to Elijah for a few moments before I go to bed. I feel like he is always